Nervous Breakdown..

Am I imagining hurt?... I wonder...

My temper in the recent days is getting from bad to worse... I snap at everybody, I snap at everything... I even snap at my own self...

I have always tried to profile my character into list-able points, so that I can work at it, and stop myself when things get to messy.. My family especially knows my weakness very well, and have even seen terrible things that i did...

... maybe what he said yesterday was correct. Maybe what he said yesterday was so correct that he struck a multitude of raw nerves within me that hurt so badly.

Like the saying goes, "Fact is stranger then fiction, and more often then not, the truth hurts far more."

Yeah, I guess you're right. As I reflect more, even though I do not understand your reasons for bringing it up and forcing me to reflect, - you're right.

I do not have many close friends, and all the people that were close to me always felt that I am distant. I'm too distant to understand, to comprehend.
It's like a mental cage I put around myself.

Even to this day, I still struggle to look at people in the eye. Because as a kid, I was told that I had eyes which could murder people.
My bros would ask me to avert my eyes from my dad last time when he was punishing us because he would end up giving all three of us additional punishment when he locks eyes with me...

I never had much close friends, because I always felt that I should never reveal my weaknesses. What was the point? For them to comfort me? For them to burden themselves with a liability that they cannot shake themselves free off?

I always strive never to be a liability to people. I would rather disappear then allow myself to be a burden to somebody or a group. I hate the feeling of helplessness... When I need people, it becomes a burden to me.

I've told many people that one of my strongest beliefs in life is that when someone does good for you, you must return it back tenfold.
But there are some things that are totally unmeasurable in quantity...

How do you measure love?

How do you measure the times when he hugs you, ruffles your hair and give you an Eskimo kiss?

How do you measure a thousand stars folded with every bit of love he had, even though he is so busy?

How do you... measure the amount of tears he cried when you walked away?...

Some things are immeasurable, that's why when people say that, "gosh... why did you buy something so expensive?"...
is money something that make affection, emotion, sentiments, loyalty and love quantifiable?

I don't have many friends.

Because to me close friends are a burden. Not because they did anything wrong, but simply because they are beautiful chains.
They support you when you fall, they're there to hold you back when you're about to do something silly, they hold on to you because as you are chained to them, they are chained to you.

I don't have many friends.

... you're right.



That's what hurts so bad...